Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

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Product Details

Author : Alfie Kohn
Binding : Paperback
EAN : 9780743487481
Edition : 1st Atria Books Trade Pbk. Ed
Number of Pages : 272
Product Group : Book
Publication Date : 2007-03-30
Publisher : Atria Books

ASIN : 0743487486

Editorial Reviews

Synopsis

This book presents a provocative challenge to the conventional wisdom of raising children. Author of nine books, including the controversial "Punished by Rewards", Kohn expands upon the theme of what's wrong with our society's emphasis on punishments and rewards with regards raising children. Kohn, the father of young children himself, sprinkles his text with anecdotes that shore up his well-researched hypothesis that children do best with unconditional love, respect and the opportunity to make their own choices. Kohn questions why parents and parenting literature focus on compliance and quick fixes, and points out that docility and short-term obedience are not what most parents desire of their children in the long run. He insists that "controlling parents" are actually conveying to their kids that they love them conditionally - that is, only when they achieve or behave. Tactics like time-out, brides and threats, Kohn claims, just worsen matters. Caustic, witty and thought-provoking, Kohn's arguments challenge much of today's parenting wisdom, yet his assertion that "the way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions" rings true.Kohn suggests parents help kids solve problems; provide them with choices; and use reason, humour and, as a last resort, a restorative time away (not a punitive time-out).

Customer Reviews

Disappointed - grandiose plans but no substance (2008-06-05)

I really liked the central concept of the book, that is you should love your child unconditionally, success or failure, naughty or good, and that the child should know that they are loved unconditionally so that they can grow up secure. However I was very disappointed with the actual substance about the nitty gritty daily life and how you manage things. There were lots of don'ts - don't praise your child when they've been good, don't punish them when they've been bad - but I felt it was lacking on the what you are supposed to do.

Thank goodness I read this while my little one is still a baby - before it was too late! (2008-03-30)

What I particularly love about this book is the fact Kohn uses real research and evidence to back up everything he says. Name me some *mainstream* parenting books that can cite as many studies as Kohn does! And they all say the same thing. Punishments don't work. They don't work in the long term (after all, you wanted to raise a good *adult* didn't you? Not just a "good" child?) but even more surprisingly, they don't always work in the short term, either! And even more astoundingly... neither do rewards!Thank goodness I read it now instead of waiting until my son had already been subjected to the mainstream (combative, detached, adversarial) parenting endorsed by our culture. No, don't worry, Kohn does *not* just say "anything goes" and you should let your child do absolutely everything they want to; he gives excellent advice on how to lovingly guide your child into becoming a great adult... whilst not having a melt-down in the supermarket! I would recommend this to anyone and everyone planning to be parents. I don't often say a book has changed my life, but this one has.

Completely changed the way I intereact with my child (2008-03-03)

Like most parents, I have tried start-charts, time-outs, naughty chair, sticker books, you name it. But at the back of my mind there had always been a niggling feeling that these traditional 'methods' were not the right way forward. Unconditional Parenting gave me the power to question those traditional beliefs and the tools to work with my child, to treat him with the respect and unconditional love that every child deserves. So often we enter into parenthood weighted down by our past - how we were treated by our parents. I'm so glad to be able to break that cycle. Read this book and stop treating your children as enemies who must be tamed and controlled.

Teaching pigeons to play table tennis (2008-02-18)

When I read psychology as a mature student, a fascinating character, BF Skinner stood out. His methods were all about stick and carrot, and form part of conventional [unchallenged] wisdom as to the way we all tick.Any parent will tell you that bribes and punishment have a very limited impact, and clearly Kohn has succeeded in offering stuff that really works.Yes Skinner might have taught pigeons to play table tennis [this is actually true], but unless you see your kids in a similar light, read how to really help them with this book.

A MUST for all parents! (2007-09-23)

This book not only makes sense it makes being a parent so much more satisfying and enjoyable. I have been parenting my children in this way and it just gets better and better. This book is intelligent, insightful and clear and unlike so many books on parenting Alfie Kohn is neither patronising nor arrogant. I canot recommend it highly enough.

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